Amber is the colour of the sun

 I would never wish my mental illness on my worst enemy.  It's the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with.  In fact there have been many times when I haven't wanted to be alive.  As well as this sometimes I have been incredibly self-destructive, hysterical and aggressive when in the acute stage of my illness.  And, even though mental illness has made me a better person, I would still rather be a bad person with good mental health than the other way around.  I'm just saying that there is a silver lining.  Well maybe not exactly silver.  Maybe a black canvas with speckles of white. Although I have struggled with depression since I was in my teens I was able to function normally.  I got good marks at school and University, had a wide range of friends and acquaintances and participated in a wide range of hobbies, with writing being my favourite hobby.  I wrote almost every day during my youth and young adulthood, and it brought me much jo...

Throughout my troubled years my Nanna, Bronwen Meredith, was both a soul mate and a mentor.   But it didn’t start like that.   Like olives my Nanna was an acquired taste. As a child I just thought she was weird.   Everyone else’s grandmothers were busy baking cookies and wearing pearls.   Mine went in protest marches.   In fact, she even spoke at the marches. She also wore terrible, boring clothes which, she told me proudly, she got from an op shop.   I did not want op shop clothes.   I wanted brightly coloured, brand new, feminine dresses that I could spin around in.   She had travelled the world feeding the hungry and giving justice to the oppressed.   I had no interest in any of that.   I just resented the fact that she wouldn’t supply me with chocolate, the way everyone else’s grandmother did. Eventually we found common ground in children’s books.   I loved reading and she knew lots about books.   She had been a schoo...

Trigger Warning - Suicide, self-harm It's all very well telling people to get help for their mental health, but often the help they do get is less than satisfactory. I have presented to the Emergency Department for many reasons - chest pain, asthma, bowel problems and mental health.  And I can tell you quite definitely that the treatment I received for my physical health conditions was far superior to that I got when presenting with mental health issues. Let me tell you a story.... In 2017 after a disastrous marriage and subsequent break up my mental health plummeted.  On one particular occasion I attended the Emergency Department with a friend because I was feeling incredibly suicidal and unsafe.  I was also hearing voices that were telling me that I was evil and should die. I told the triage nurse what was going on and she told me, quite coldly, to take a seat.  I was not shown any compassion or told how long I would have to wait.  I was also not really assess...

 As a teenager with severe asthma I had almost tasted death on several occasions.  Being so conscious of death made me also conscious of spiritual things.  So much so that, at the age of 17, I started going to church and Christian groups.  Although I made some long lasting friendships during this time the spiritual life I was presented with was legalistic and stifling. I don't remember being particularly interested in music before U2.  I know I listened to Madonna and Michael Jackson a lot in the 1980's but I think that it was just because everyone else did.  There was no real connection.  This all changed when, in 1988, I first listened to The Joshua Tree .  I was struck by the beauty of the lyrics, the raw energy behind the performance and the sound of it all.  I was particularly struck by the song 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'.  To me that song spoke straight into my spiritual confusion.  I felt that I had been und...

  They say people come into our lives for a reason.  Well, sometimes that's true for animals as well.  Shadow taught me about the love that comes through persevering through difficulties.  I have never connected with any animal they way I connect with Shadow.  To me he's not a pet - he's my family. I first met Shadow nine years ago when my friend rescued him from the side of the road.  Young people were throwing things at him and she took pity on him because he looked so cute.  She put him under her jumper and took him home.  He was happy there.  He loved his new owner and had a nice yard to play with.  So he wasn't very impressed when she gave him to me. The first few months with Shadow were awful.  He howled non stop, scratched non stop, put toilet paper all over the house and broke several of my picture frames.  Some people told me to have him put down.  Others that I obviously wasn't good with aggressive males cats....

 I'm a 50 year old woman from the beautiful island of Tasmania, Australia who wants to get serious about writing. In 2002 I was a high school teacher and a Master of Arts student.  The next year I was an inpatient in a psychiatric ward.  I haven't recovered in any real sense of the word but I'm trying to live well with my disability.  I invite you to share this journey of discovery with me through this blog and my other writing. I'm currently writing a memoir called From Literacy to Lunacy .  I'm half way through the third draft of it, so it's about time I took myself seriously as a writer.   In order to become a better writer I am studying a Postgraduate Diploma in Creative Writing and Communication through a small Christian University called Tabor Adelaide.  I'm due to graduate next year which is really exciting. I'm a committed Christian and I have found that my faith has comforted me and anchored me through their struggles.  I currently a...