Why I'm a Christian

 My spiritual journey started very young - my first memories start in primary school.  When I was nine years old to be exact.  We had just moved to Somerset, a small town in Tasmania's North West.  I distinctly remember having 'scripture classes' with an older man who talked a lot about 'sin' and 'hell'.  This would have put a lot of children off, but it fascinated me.  I liked the idea of people being punished for hurting me, or those I loved.  I used to pray to this God every time someone wronged me.  I would also often then feel guilty and tell God to cancel that prayer.

Although I didn't know it at the time my favourite books - the Narnia series - were also deeply Christian.  I loved the lion Aslan who was both strong and loving.  When I realized that he was supposed to be a Christlike figure I felt confused.  I was strongly drawn to Aslan but I also had very negative views of what adults called 'organised religion'.  I often heard Christians being criticised as hypocrites, and I didn't want to be a hypocrite.  Plus I wasn't sure that God existed.  Not at that stage anyway.  I had inklings but I wasn't sure.

I became sure that God existed when I had a severe asthma attack when I was fifteen years old.  I went down a white tunnel where I felt an overwhelming sense of love and peace.  As I neared the end I heard a voice.  It said 'It is not your time to die.  You must go back.  There's something you must do.'  I woke up in a hospital bed.  At the time I didn't tell anyone about my experience, or the fact that I now believed God existed.  It was too strange.

The next year I made my first Christian friend.  She was unlike most of my friends because she connected on a deeper level.  I felt that she truly understood me and cared for me.  I started going to church and, at the time, I thought I was following Jesus.  In reality, however, I was still confused.  Although the people were loving and different there seemed to be a lot of rules that I didn't understand, and didn't want to obey.  I was both rebellious and confused.  Eventually, after a disastrous relationship with a Christian man, I gave up my faith.

Looking back, however, I think that God never gave up on me.  I remember running into an old flat mate in the year 2000.  She was different.  When we met she had been quiet and withdrawn.  She was now enthusiastic and open.  She told me how Jesus had cleaned up her life.  She said that we have a 'God-shaped hole' in us.  This made sense to me as I felt something was missing in my life - that my life lacked meaning and purpose.  This was despite the fact that I was studying Honours in English Literature, which I really enjoyed.

In 2001 I attended my friend's church where she shared her testimony.  I related to what she said, and I wanted what she had.  I remember the pastor saying, 'There's someone here who has a similar testimony and God wants you to come to him.'  I grabbed hard at the seat.  I was, again, confused.  I didn't want another set of rules.  So I went to her church the next week where a guest pastor said that Christianity was about a relationship with Jesus, not a set of rules.  'Okay, God,' I prayed 'I will commit to you.'  I felt a sense of relief.

But it was not just experiences and friendships that converted me to Christianity.  It was also the person of Jesus.  When I read the gospels I was amazed.  This was not some insipid, boring, good person.  This was someone who divided people - some people followed him everywhere and others wanted to kill Him.  He was a man of great compassion who longed for people to come to him and find rest and healing, but He was also a man who felt incredible anger at hypocrisy and oppression.  I had never encountered anyone like Him, and I guess I never will.  That's part of the point.

The other part of the point was that this Jesus claimed to be able to forgive people from their sins.  I had been aware of sin in my own life for many, many years.  I was a very anxious and guilty child, and now I'm an anxious and guilty adult!  But the difference is that now I'm able to tell myself that I have been forgiven, which helps me let go.

A year after I committed my life to Jesus my mental illness became unbearable.  I was unable to work or study.  I struggled to even cook or clean.  People often wonder why I kept on with Christianity despite my life being torn apart.  But that's the point.  I need Jesus even more now than I did when I first believed.  Because I don't have much else in my life to comfort me.

I have also stayed a Christian because of the love of the people of God - from various churches.  So many of them have been like Jesus to me.  They have fed me, kept me safe, encouraged me and loved me.  Many of them are like a second family to me.   Having them in my life has made me feel truly blessed.

So - in a nutshell - I'm a Christian because I had experiences that I couldn't explain any other way, because the people of God loved me as their own and because the Jesus of the Gospels was someone I wanted to follow.  I still struggle in my daily life but my faith is one of the things that helps me persevere.