Sometimes Help Isn't Out There

Trigger Warning - Suicide, self-harm

It's all very well telling people to get help for their mental health, but often the help they do get is less than satisfactory.

I have presented to the Emergency Department for many reasons - chest pain, asthma, bowel problems and mental health.  And I can tell you quite definitely that the treatment I received for my physical health conditions was far superior to that I got when presenting with mental health issues.

Let me tell you a story....

In 2017 after a disastrous marriage and subsequent break up my mental health plummeted.  On one particular occasion I attended the Emergency Department with a friend because I was feeling incredibly suicidal and unsafe.  I was also hearing voices that were telling me that I was evil and should die.

I told the triage nurse what was going on and she told me, quite coldly, to take a seat.  I was not shown any compassion or told how long I would have to wait.  I was also not really assessed as to my risk.  Waiting like this increased my anxiety and made me feel angry and even more self -destructive.  I went outside for a cigarette and burned myself with the butt.  

The hospital didn't remark on my increased agitation or make any attempt to keep me safe.  I told them quite aggressively that since they didn't care I was going to go to a nearby bridge and jump off it in the hope that I would die.  

My friend tried to stop me doing this but I told them that they didn't care either and to go away.  I felt that if the hospital didn't care then neither did anyone else.  So I started walking.  I was scared of dying but I felt that that was what I should do.

Apparently my friends called the police and I was picked up by them and put in a paddy wagon and taken back to the hospital.  I told the nurse that I wanted to go home.  'You've already been home,' she said 'And that didn't really work out for you.'  I told her that I had not been home and her face changed for a moment.

I was then given a bed in the Emergency Department.  Another friend turned up and stayed until about 2 am talking to me to calm me down.  It worked and then they left.  The staff made no attempt to calm me down.

I was not admitted to the ward as I was thought to be too manipulative to go there.  Apparently they thought that I liked being in hospital and was doing all the suicidal stuff for attention.  I stayed in the Emergency Department for a few days, without shower or laundry facilities, and was then sent home with my mother.

I felt that the hospital didn't want to help me at all and I decided that I would never attend again for mental health reasons unless I was forced to. 

I was told that I had 'Borderline Personality Disorder' and I think that this label is partly why they treated me so badly.  Medical staff often associate this diagnosis with 'bad behaviour' and don't want to help.

This is bad enough but, in my case, it was only part of the story.  I don't fit into a diagnostic box and have had eight different diagnoses.  I think that when they think you have a personality disorder they treat you much worse than when they think you have schizophrenia.

I have heard other stories like mine and I hope, by sharing this, I help those people feel less alone.  I also hope that I can educate others on what it's like to feel like I did, and be treated like I did.  Hopefully, in the future, this will help create a better mental health system.