How Mental Illness Made Me a Better Person

 I would never wish my mental illness on my worst enemy.  It's the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with.  In fact there have been many times when I haven't wanted to be alive.  As well as this sometimes I have been incredibly self-destructive, hysterical and aggressive when in the acute stage of my illness.  And, even though mental illness has made me a better person, I would still rather be a bad person with good mental health than the other way around.  I'm just saying that there is a silver lining.  Well maybe not exactly silver.  Maybe a black canvas with speckles of white.

Although I have struggled with depression since I was in my teens I was able to function normally.  I got good marks at school and University, had a wide range of friends and acquaintances and participated in a wide range of hobbies, with writing being my favourite hobby.  I wrote almost every day during my youth and young adulthood, and it brought me much joy.

I started teaching in the 1990's.  This was the first time that I had struggled in any work related area.  Looking back I really wish that I had continued my studies and become an academic, but you can't take back the past.  Even though I had so much support from the staff at various schools the students triggered me emotionally and I was unable to maintain discipline.  By 2002 I was no longer able to function, not just as a teacher but as a person.  I couldn't even cook for myself and showering daily was a huge burden.

Before 2002 I was incredibly intellectually arrogant.  I knew I was smart and I looked down on those who weren't as smart.  It was a source of pride.  In saying this there's nothing wrong with being smart.   The thing that's wrong is looking down on other people.  Since my plummet from being a professional person to being kind of untouchable I learned to value qualities such as kindness, loyalty, perseverance and love.  I also found that everyone has strengths and weaknesses in terms of their skills.  Some people are good with their hands, for example, or good at sport.  I am not good at either of these things.  Being clever is just one type of intelligence.

Before my breakdown I was incredibly selfish.  I had little time or compassion for those who were struggling and often accused them of being lazy or melodramatic.  I am now able not only to feel strong compassion I'm often able to act on it, in various ways.  I have become a better friend and family member.  Someone who always looks out for those close to me.  I have also been able to advocate successfully for the rights of the mentally ill.  And lastly, because I have been discriminated against, I am more conscious of the humanity of people with other disabilities, and people of other races.  I am now a more selfless person.

Although I had been around churches since I was a teenager I had a shallow, superficial faith that was easily rocked.  In fact I spent about ten years away from the church after a short but disastrous relationship with a Christian man.  Since my illness I have developed a stronger and deeper faith.  I have devoted myself to thinking deeply about Jesus and the scriptures, which has led to a deep character transformation.  Like me Jesus suffered.  And like me he persevered.  Although my stronger faith has sometimes been confronting for people I feel that it has helped me be more generous, more loving and more thoughtful.

I hope this post has been encouraging.  That there is hope amidst darkness.  And character amidst suffering.  I sincerely hope that you don't have to suffer what I have suffered.  But, if you do, hold onto hope and love.